kmschlatter@thencepartners.ch
🎅🏻 The Santa Question
Five experts across psychology, education, and philosophy share their perspectives. Click each card to explore their reasoning.
The consensus: Four out of five experts recommend against perpetuating Santa as literal truth.
Kelly-Ann Allen
Psychologist
Allen is the only expert who supports the Santa tradition, emphasizing its role in memory-making and social connection.
Her perspective highlights that Christmas rituals offer opportunities for social belonging, which builds social support networks and may even impact physical health in later years.
Her guidance: Santa mythology can be important for executive functions like attention and memory, providing evidence for parents not to be discouraged from stimulating their children’s imaginations.
The key consideration: Parents need to make age-appropriate judgments about what information to share and when. Lying about Santa at three is very different from lying to your child about Santa when they’re asking direct questions at age nine.
Ameneh Shahaeian
Psychologist
Shahaeian emphasizes developmental readiness and honesty when children ask direct questions.
Her approach: When children reach the developmental stage where they’re asking questions, it’s not helpful to lie about fictional characters such as Santa. The fact that the child is asking means they’re ready for honest answers.
Important distinction: You don’t need to sit down and discuss this with every child at any age, but if the discussion comes up or if the child asks the question, then the correct answer is the best discussion to have.
Rebecca English
Teacher Educator
English warns against creating elaborate deceptions and emphasizes the importance of critical thinking.
Her concerns extend beyond simple storytelling to the elaborate measures families take:
- Made-up “proof” to maintain the deception
- Parents deceived about believing what they know isn’t true
- Loss of opportunities to teach critical thinking
Her perspective on consequences: Santa supposedly encourages imagination, but she notes that fantasy and imagination work because we choose to believe what we know isn’t true. Far from being a wonder, Santa story encourages children to be consumers of others’ ideas rather than critical thinkers.
Additional concerns: Using Santa to enforce obedience (“Why defer your authority to an omniscient North Pole?”) and questions about fairness when children compare gifts with peers.
Peter Ellerton
Philosopher
Ellerton takes a philosophical approach, questioning what follows from the Santa narrative and its implications for children’s understanding of reality.
His deeper concerns focus on the narrative implications:
“What follows from the Santa story. If only good children get presents, what does that say about families? What about children in warzones or being formed? What if children are far more acutely alert to these implications than we give them credit for.”
His perspective: Most people treat Santa as one of many pleasing myths, but we should consider what children themselves are poor at understanding—why some children receive more than others, and how this narrative impacts their sense of self-worth and fairness.
Maybe it’s ok to lie about some things, but we should give it up for Santa and think more carefully about the stories we tell.
David Zyngier
Teacher Educator
Zyngier draws on research to emphasize the importance of honesty and references expert voices in childhood development.
He cites Dr. Justin Coulson, one of Australia’s leading parenting experts: “If you want Santa, that’s fine, but let the kids know Santa was based on a historical figure who may or may not have done the things that we think he did.”
The research evidence: Studies suggest children are able to differentiate fact from fiction from an early age, and that children with rich fantasy lives may actually be better at identifying the boundaries between fantasy and reality.
His caution about parental motivation: If parents want to, by all means they’re entitled to do so. Any benefit from believing in Santa is one that parents stop believing in him.
He references Dr. Coulson’s conclusion: “The Santa myth is a wonderful lie, but the more we tell lies, the more our kids are going to find out we’re deceitful.”
Key Takeaways from the Experts
Choose Your Child’s Age Range
Get tailored guidance based on your child’s developmental stage.
Ages 2-4: The Wonder Years
Young children are just beginning to understand the difference between real and pretend. They accept magical thinking naturally and enjoy imaginative play without needing literal belief.
You can introduce Santa as part of the fun and magic of Christmas without elaborate deception. Use language like “Let’s pretend Santa visits tonight!” or share Santa as a special Christmas story and tradition.
At this age, children enjoy imaginative play without needing to believe something is literally true to enjoy it. They naturally blend fantasy and reality in their play.
- “Let’s play the Santa game tonight!”
- “Santa is a fun Christmas story that families tell”
- “We can pretend Santa comes while we’re sleeping”
Ages 5-7: The Questioning Stage
Children develop “concrete operational thinking” and start looking for logical connections. They may start asking how Santa gets to every house or how reindeer fly. This is their scientist phase!
If they’re not asking questions, you don’t need to interrupt their enjoyment. But when they DO ask, this is your signal they’re ready for honest answers. Ask them what they think first, then gently confirm their growing understanding.
Research shows children who discover the truth through their own questioning at this age typically have positive reactions, feeling proud of figuring it out themselves.
- “What do YOU think about how Santa works?”
- “That’s a really smart question. What have you noticed?”
- “You’re thinking really carefully about this. Let’s talk about it.”
- “It’s okay to wonder about these things. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
Ages 8-10: The Discovery Years
Most children figure out the truth by age 8-9. They may pretend to still believe to avoid disappointing parents or to keep receiving gifts. Many know but enjoy playing along.
If you suspect your child knows but isn’t saying anything, gently open the conversation. You might say, “You’re getting older now. What do you think about Santa?” Share that the spirit of Santa—generosity, kindness, surprise—is what matters.
Children at this age are capable of understanding tradition and symbolism. They can appreciate that Santa represents something meaningful without being literally real.
- “You’re growing up. I’m curious what you think about Santa now.”
- “The real magic is the love and generosity behind the gifts.”
- “Santa represents the spirit of giving that we all share.”
- “What matters is that we celebrate kindness and family together.”
Ages 10+: Partners in Tradition
Children definitely know the truth and can become part of maintaining the magic for younger siblings or family members. They understand abstract concepts like tradition and cultural meaning.
Celebrate their new role in the family tradition. Let them help “be Santa” for younger siblings. Discuss why families enjoy these traditions and what makes them meaningful beyond literal belief.
This transforms potential disappointment into empowerment and helps children understand the deeper meaning of family traditions. They become keepers of the magic for others.
- “Now you get to be part of creating the magic for your younger siblings”
- “What do you think makes Christmas special for our family?”
- “You can help me choose gifts and plan surprises”
- “Let’s talk about what traditions mean to you now”
Conversation Starters
Click each card to see tips and example responses for different situations.
When to use: When your child first asks about Santa’s reality
Why it works: It helps you understand what they already know or suspect before you respond
Follow-up: Listen carefully to their answer. If they express doubt, validate their thinking: “That’s a really thoughtful question” or “You’re thinking carefully about this.”
Example response: Child: “Is Santa real?” You: “That’s a great question. What do you think?” This gives you insight into whether they’re just curious or ready for the truth.
When to use: When your child seems skeptical or mentions something they heard
Why it works: Helps you understand if they heard something from friends or noticed logical inconsistencies
Follow-up: If they mention a friend, you might say: “Some families talk about Santa differently. Every family gets to decide what’s right for them.”
Example response: If they say “My friend said Santa isn’t real,” respond with: “What do you think about what your friend said?” This keeps the conversation going without immediately confirming or denying.
When to use: When affirming their developing critical thinking
Why it works: Frames discovery as positive development, not disappointment
Follow-up: “Part of growing up is figuring out which stories are real and which are make-believe. You’re doing that really well.”
Example response: “I can tell you’re thinking like a scientist now, looking for evidence and asking good questions. That’s wonderful!”
When to use: When explaining tradition and symbolism to older children
Why it works: Shifts focus from literal truth to cultural meaning
Follow-up: “Different families celebrate in different ways. The important part is being together and showing love.”
Example response: “Santa represents kindness, generosity, and the magic of giving. That’s real, even if Santa himself is a story we tell.”
When to use: When helping children transition from belief to understanding
Why it works: Preserves the wonder while acknowledging reality
Follow-up: “The best part of Christmas is the time we spend together and thinking about what would make each other happy.”
Example response: “When you were little, I loved watching your excitement. Now you can experience that joy in a different way—by creating magic for others.”
When to use: When transitioning older children into the “keeper of magic” role
Why it works: Empowers them and gives them purpose in the tradition
Follow-up: “You get to be part of creating that special feeling for them now. That’s a really important job.”
Example response: “Remember how exciting it was when you believed? Now you can help create that excitement for your little sister. You’re part of the grown-up team now!”
When to use: When explaining why you supported their belief
Why it works: Shows your motivation was love, not deception
Follow-up: “Did it work? Do you have happy memories of those Christmases?” This invites them to reflect positively.
Example response: “When I was a kid, believing in Santa made Christmas feel magical. I wanted you to have that same sense of wonder and excitement. I’m sorry if finding out feels disappointing—that wasn’t what I intended.”
Your Family Action Plan
Use this interactive checklist to prepare for conversations about Santa. Click items as you complete them.
0 of 10 completed
Before the Conversation
What matters most to you: honesty, magic, tradition, or critical thinking?
Are they asking questions? Do they seem skeptical? Review the age-appropriate guidance.
Make sure all adults are on the same page about your approach.
Pick phrases that feel natural for your family communication style.
During the Conversation
“What do you think?” helps you understand their readiness before responding.
Whether belief or doubt, acknowledge their perspective as valid.
If they’re directly asking, they’re signaling readiness for truth.
Focus on generosity, kindness, family traditions, and love.
After the Conversation
Ask how they’re feeling and if they have more questions.
Focus on family connection, giving to others, and celebrating together.
Sources: Expert perspectives compiled from “We asked five experts: should I lie to my children about Santa?” published in The Conversation, featuring Kelly-Ann Allen (Psychologist), Ameneh Shahaeian (Psychologist), Rebecca English (Teacher Educator), Peter Ellerton (Philosopher), and David Zyngier (Teacher Educator).
This guide is provided for informational purposes to support families in making decisions that align with their values. Every family’s approach to holiday traditions is personal and valid.
