kmschlatter@thencepartners.chBuilding Trust and Resilience
What the Science Shows
Parents today face an increasingly complex world—from helping children navigate peer conflicts and bullying to managing stress and uncertainty. The good news? Decades of child development research reveals that strong parent-child relationships built on warmth, openness, and honest communication can protect children against life’s challenges.
Three recent studies from leading universities offer complementary insights into how parents can foster resilience, trust, and emotional well-being in their children. Together, these findings paint a clear picture: authentic connection matters more than perfect parenting.
The Core Finding
You don’t need to be perfect. You don’t need all the answers. What children need most is warmth they can feel, openness when things are hard, and honesty when you don’t know something.
The Protective Power of Warmth
What Parents Need to Know
Researchers Jamie Hanson and Isabella Kahhalé at the University of Pittsburgh discovered something remarkable in their study published in the journal PNAS Nexus. After examining nearly 500 children between ages 10 and 17, measuring both brain development and behavioral outcomes, they found clear evidence of warmth’s protective effects.
“Warm and supportive parenting may buffer against the effects of stress during childhood and adolescence.”
The findings were striking. Hanson and Kahhalé discovered that children who experienced high levels of stress but also perceived their parents as being warm and supportive exhibited less challenging behavior such as rule-breaking or aggression. Even more impressive, these researchers found that children’s perception of having received positive, supportive parenting served as a buffer against the biological effects of stress on brain development.
Hanson and Kahhalé’s research builds on decades of prior work showing that stress can have measurable impacts on the developing brain. Past research has found that the hippocampus—a brain region critical for learning and memory—is smaller in children and adults exposed to high levels of stress in childhood. These smaller volumes are in turn associated with behavioral problems, learning and memory challenges, and increased vulnerability to future stress.
“Even when young people reported high levels of distress from negative life events, those who perceived their parents as more supportive did not have reduced brain tissue in the hippocampus.”
The Critical Insight: Your Child’s Perspective Matters Most
It’s Not What You Think—It’s What They Feel
Hanson and Kahhalé noted they “did not find this same protective effect when we looked at what caregivers thought of their parenting. In other words, if parents said they were supportive and positive in their parenting but the child didn’t see them that way, we did not see this protective effect.”
This means parents need to focus less on their intentions and more on how their warmth is being received. It’s worth periodically asking your child: “Do you feel like you can talk to me about hard stuff?”
What “Warm, Supportive Parenting” Actually Looks Like
The research points to specific practices that decades of studies confirm work. Hanson and Kahhalé note that dozens of studies have found that positive parenting practices—such as helping children name emotions and providing a space for them to disclose feelings without judgment—can help kids get through difficult events. This isn’t about being permissive or avoiding boundaries—it’s about emotional availability and responsiveness.
Practical Applications
- Praise effort and progress: “I noticed how hard you worked on that”
- Validate feelings before problem-solving: “That sounds really frustrating” before jumping to “here’s what you should do”
- Show physical affection: Hugs, high-fives, sitting close during conversation
- Create judgment-free zones: “You can tell me anything, and we’ll figure it out together”
- Help label emotions: “It sounds like you might be feeling disappointed and maybe a little angry?”
Understanding Difficult Behavior and Building Connection
When Children Struggle: The Role of Environment
Sara Goldstein, a professor of human development at the University of Delaware, explains that challenging behaviors—including bullying—don’t emerge in a vacuum. Goldstein’s research shows that people learn how to bully others early on through what psychologists call modeling and social learning.
“If children grow up in a home without kindness and closeness, but with plenty of physical punishment and heavy conflict – including parents fighting with each other – then children view this behavior as acceptable.”
What does this mean for parents? Children absorb what they observe. The protective inverse is also true: homes characterized by warmth, respect, and healthy conflict resolution teach children these same skills.
Supporting Children Who Face Bullying
Goldstein’s research confirms what many parents fear: bullied children and teens “are at risk for anxiety, depression, dropping out of school, peer rejection, social isolation and self-harm.” The stakes are high, making parental response crucial. And it’s not just children—adults can be bullied too, often in the workplace, and research shows they may suffer just as much as kids do.
Goldstein identifies multiple forms of bullying parents should watch for: “physical, like pushing, shoving and hitting; relational, such as spreading rumors, keeping somebody out of a friend group or just rude remarks; or sexual harassment and stalking behavior.”
Certain groups face heightened risk. People from the LGBTQ+ community, those who are overweight, or individuals with a physical or developmental disability are more likely to be bullied. As a result, they may develop mental health problems, including depression, anxiety and self-harming behavior.
Practical Applications
- Create regular check-in rituals: Car rides, bedtime, or dinner as consistent times to ask “How are things going with friends?”
- Respond without judgment: If a child shares they’re being bullied or doing the bullying, stay calm
- Validate the difficulty: “That sounds really hard” or “I’m glad you told me”
- Partner with them: “Let’s figure out together what might help”
- Model healthy conflict: Let children see you disagree respectfully and repair after arguments
- Know when to involve others: Talk with trusted adults—teachers, principals, or counselors. Schools have policies in place to protect victims of bullying
- Access support resources: The Crisis Text Line (text 741741), Stop Bullying Now Hotline (1-800-273-8255), and 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline are available 24/7
Validation Matters
Goldstein emphasizes: Bullying is not acceptable. It’s not just “kids being kids,” or that your child is “too sensitive.” If a bully is bothering your child, getting help is the way to get through—they shouldn’t try to handle it alone.
Building Trust Through Honest Communication
The Surprising Power of “I Don’t Know”
When faced with difficult questions—about death, divorce, world events, or why bad things happen—many parents feel pressure to have all the answers. But research from Tamar Kushnir at Duke University, David Sobel at Brown University, and Mark Sabbagh at Queen’s University reveals something counterintuitive: admitting uncertainty actually strengthens trust.
“From the time children are 3 or 4 years old, they also begin to trust people based on what they claim to know.”
Children develop what scientists call “epistemic trust”—the ability to determine who is a reliable source of information. This develops separately from attachment trust (the love-and-care bond with caregivers). Critically, Kushnir and colleagues discovered that “our minds separate the love-and-care kind of trust from the sort of trust you need to get reliable, accurate information that helps you learn about the world.” This means even toddlers and preschoolers are already evaluating whether the information they receive is reliable—they’re not just passively accepting everything adults tell them.
Why Overconfidence Backfires
The research team conducted fascinating experiments showing what happens when adults are confidently wrong versus humbly uncertain. In their laboratory studies, they examined children’s brain activity while learning new vocabulary words from teachers who varied in their expressed confidence.
Kushnir and colleagues found that “if you teach a 4-year-old a new word with confidence, they will learn it in one shot. But if you say ‘hmm, I’m not sure, I think this is called a…,’ something changes.” Using measurements of electrical activity in the brain, they discovered that “children both remember the event and learn the word when someone teaches with confidence. When someone communicates uncertainty, they remember the event but don’t learn the word.”
This isn’t a flaw—it’s a feature. If a speaker says they are unsure, it actually helps children separate memory of a specific thing they heard from facts they think must be widely known. Children’s brains are sophisticated enough to catalog information differently based on the speaker’s expressed certainty.
“When the adult admitted ignorance, 4-year-olds were willing to keep learning all sorts of things from them, even more words. But when the adult was confident and inaccurate, she lost all credibility.”
The damage was severe: “Even when children knew she could help them find a hidden toy, they wouldn’t trust her to tell them where it was.”
In this critical study, one group of 4-year-olds saw an adult who admitted not knowing the names for common objects: a ball, a book, a cup. Another group saw an adult who claimed to know what the objects were called but got them all wrong—for example, calling a ball “a shoe.” The results were clear: when the adult admitted ignorance, 4-year-olds were willing to keep learning from them. But when the adult was confident and inaccurate, she lost all credibility, even for tasks where the children knew she was capable of helping.
Teaching Children to Navigate Uncertainty
Kushnir, Sobel, and Sabbagh discovered something even more profound: “Even 5-year-old children learn about uncertain data better from someone who expresses that uncertainty outright than someone who is confident that things will always work the same way.”
In other words, when parents admit “I’m not sure” or “That’s a good question—let’s find out together,” they’re not showing weakness. They’re modeling intellectual humility and teaching children that uncertainty is a normal part of learning.
The Reassurance from Research
“The good news is that, based on our research, we believe the human mind doesn’t balk at hearing communicated uncertainty – quite the opposite.” Our minds and brains are made to handle “I think so,” “I’m not sure,” and “I don’t know.”
Practical Applications
- Use honest language: “I don’t know the answer to that, but we can learn together”
- Model curiosity: “That’s interesting—I wonder why that happens?”
- Admit when you’re wrong: “I thought X, but I was mistaken. Actually, it’s Y”
- Use tentative language when appropriate: “Sometimes…” “It depends…” “I think…”
- Frame learning as ongoing: “I’m still learning about that myself”
Bringing It All Together: The Three Pillars of Resilient Parenting
Warmth That Your Child Feels
Not just warmth you intend, but warmth your child experiences. This requires checking in: “Do you feel like you can talk to me about hard stuff?” Hanson and Kahhalé’s research shows this perceived warmth literally protects developing brains from the effects of stress.
Open Communication About Difficult Topics
Whether it’s bullying, peer pressure, or confusing world events, Goldstein’s research emphasizes that children need safe spaces to process challenging experiences. They’re watching how we handle conflict and difficulty—and learning from it.
Honest, Humble Communication
Kushnir, Sobel, and Sabbagh’s findings free parents from the pressure of perfect knowledge. “I don’t know” followed by collaborative exploration builds deeper trust than false confidence that later proves wrong.
What This Means for Your Daily Parenting
Practical Scenarios
When your child comes home upset:
- Lead with warmth: “Come here, tell me what happened”
- Listen without immediately problem-solving
- Validate their perspective: “That sounds really hard”
- Be honest about what you know and don’t know
- Problem-solve together when they’re ready
When you make a mistake:
- Admit it clearly: “I was wrong about that”
- Model repair: “I’m sorry I snapped at you”
- Show growth: “Next time I’ll try to…”
When facing uncertainty:
- Use it as a teaching moment: “That’s a great question I don’t have the answer to”
- Invite collaboration: “Let’s figure it out together”
- Model comfort with not-knowing: “Some things we can’t be sure about, and that’s okay”
The Bottom Line
You don’t need to be a perfect parent. You don’t need all the answers. What the research shows, across multiple institutions and studies, is that children thrive when they feel:
- Warmly supported Even during stress, even when you don’t have solutions
- Safe to share difficult experiences Even when you don’t immediately know what to do
- Confident their parent is honest Even when that means admitting uncertainty
This is resilient parenting: authentic, warm, and humble. And the science shows it works.
References
Goldstein, S. (2023). Why are bullies so mean? A youth psychology expert explains what’s behind their harmful behavior. The Conversation. University of Delaware.
Hanson, J., & Kahhalé, I. (2023). Positive parenting can help protect against the effects of stress in childhood and adolescence, new study shows. PNAS Nexus. University of Pittsburgh.
Kushnir, T., Sobel, D., & Sabbagh, M. (2022). Trust comes when you admit what you don’t know – lessons from child development research. The Conversation. Duke University, Brown University, Queen’s University Ontario.
